Today I broke down...
Walls of reality are moving in and I'm the artist that doesn't want to live in the reality, stuck in the middle I am.
The wall in front of me is my first job, closer and closer it moves in.
The wall to the right of me is my second job, pressure increases but I'm okey, I need to be a provider and money is what I need, I keep telling myself.
The wall left of me is my third job, closer and closer it moves in, I keep telling myself, If I'm structured I can keep up with this I'm sure, after all I need to be a provider.
The wall behind me is the one thing I'm not noticing but surely it creeps up on me, time, reality. The pressure and stress of getting to the place you want in life in time before you draw your last breath in regret of not becoming the person you've seen in the mirror since you were 18.
These four walls is crushing me slowly but steady. I'm realising that I'm no longer myself, I'm an emotionally bankrupt human being with nothing to live for, forgetting why I sacrifice so much to get to where I want. Day in and day out, work, money, soulless. Riding that bus forgetting to pay attention to the little things you used to do when you had time to hold that camera in your hand and that notebook in your backpack to write down the emotions, the inspiration I felt and had.
Today I broke down... Tears rushing down on my cheek and I was shaking, I felt something, in months I haven't felt anything, reason being is because I've been so caught up with making money and affording this and that that I've forgot why I want to breathe and what my purpose is. I'm not a money making machine, I would rather have shitty clothes, smell bad and be in my studio doing my art and being the happiest person in the world, rather than have a steady income and month after month getting that same pay check and spending it on different things depending on the month.
I'm not giving up, I'm never giving up, this year is the year I'm pushing my photography 10x higher, no matter the cost. I'm gonna do my art and I'm gonna shoot fashion and portraits. I'm gonna survive on what I love, photography and more importantly, expressing myself emotionally. The day will come when I become the worlds best photographer, I'm not dead, I'm just reborn and I will keep becoming reborn until I like the life I live and that life is my dream and that dream will be my reality, will be reality, so until then, fuck you reality I'm gonna be in control, not you.
Love, Dennis. <3
Special thanks to Cassandra who picked me up when I was down <3